What not to write in your weekly column

Once upon a time, I was paid actual money to write a weekly newspaper column. It was for a small newspaper in my hometown. It was a humor column.

For no reason than sheer nostalgia, I went back to read a few of my old tomes recently. I found this one to be quite entertaining.

For the record, this was written in 1999 after the local hospital downsized my mother out of a job. I went looking for a clever way to call them names in the local paper.

Enjoy.

What not to write in your weekly column

April 30, 1999 — Each week about this time I sit down to write my weekly newspaper column, which is read by six people, and I try to decipher what topic I should expound my considerable knowledge upon this week. Most often, I just chuck the considerable knowledge idea and think of ways to write about burps and other bodily functions as to thoroughly embarrass my mother, who knows all six of my readers.

Normally, the first thing which comes to mind while I’m sifting through the possibilities of topics is, “Well, I’d better not write about this or that because I could get sued or shot or at least yelled at by any number of my family members who are sorry they know me on a weekly basis.”