The Funniest Thing I’ve Ever Said

There are 3–4 people in the world who think I’m funny. And genuinely so. They act as if I’m the funniest person they’ve ever known, which I believe means they don’t know anyone.

One recently asked what was the funniest thing I ever said. That’s a hard one since I routinely crack myself up, much to the chagrin of everyone around me. But one such example sticks out, if not for its recency, then certainly for it’s context.

To “get” the joke, you first have to know a bit of back story:

My father faked his death when I was a child. He drove his car off a bridge and wasn’t found. He showed up a few years later in a different town under a different name. He was allegedly fleeing gambling debts.

But in order to support me, my mother had to go through an arduous process to have him declared legally dead so she could access his social security benefits. When he was found very much alive, she had to return the money to the government.

Aside from the emotional trauma, let’s just say the dude put her (and us) in quite the pickle.

In the 50 years or so since, I’ve grown up somewhat normal. I forgave my father and formed a nice adult friendship with him. Mom recovered and had a successful career, remarried, had two more children and has generally lived a happy life despite having to surf dad’s wake.

Dad had a few more years of trouble before finally submitting to Gambler’s Anonymous. Generally speaking, he’s straightened his stuff out and spends his time hosting a travel podcast and going on a lot of cruises.

Dad spends probably 30–40 weeks per year at sea. He loves motoring his little travel scooter to be first in line at the Aft Deck buffet, I guess. With his health declining in recent years, I asked if he should be going on so many cruises.

“Hell yeah!” he said. “Honestly, I’d prefer to die on a cruise. I hope they just roll me over to the rail and toss me into the sea.”

Without skipping a beat, I replied with the only appropriate response:

“Can you get them to sign a death certificate before they do? You fucked that up the first time.”

NOTE: All parties involved enjoyed a mighty chuckle at that, including mom, whom I told the next day.