Jun 6Member-onlyFor a pain in the ass, back surgery giveth and taketh away“You’ll need to bring in your medical power of attorney document, just in case.” Not the words I was expecting to hear from the pre-op nurse just minutes after the neurosurgeon recommended a discectomy for my 17-year-old aching back. My brain went from “Oh shit! I have to have surgery!”…Humor6 min read
Oct 28, 2021Member-onlyThe current truth of white angst for black sufferingIf a story begins with “From my perspective as a Southern white man …” it’s probably not worth reading. …Racism4 min read
Sep 18, 2021The Truth About Meditation … Transcendental and OtherwiseThe juxtaposition is my favorite literary device. Perhaps because it embodies me in many ways. Or perhaps it embodies how I perceive myself. The stark reality is I am a middle class, white male from a very rural part of a Southern state. …Meditation7 min read
Sep 9, 2021Member-onlyWhat not to write in your weekly columnOnce upon a time, I was paid actual money to write a weekly newspaper column. It was for a small newspaper in my hometown. It was a humor column. For no reason than sheer nostalgia, I went back to read a few of my old tomes recently. …Humor4 min read
Aug 7, 2021Mr. Tackett’s OpusFreshman English at Pikeville High School meant two things: William Shakespeare and Layne Tackett. The former, you would study. The latter would study you. Mr. Tackett was intimidating for such a small man. He was wiry, but in a mountain man, don’t-mess-with-me kind of way. His graying, dark beard hid either a smirk or a smile and there wasn’t much between the two. As one student read a passage, Mr. Tackett would wide-eye over…Appalachia7 min read
May 27, 2021The Ironic Reality of Being DistinguishedThe Ironic Reality of Being Distinguished My voice mail notification showed a new message. The text version of the recording my phone produces automatically after wouldn’t have won any awards at the annual transcription convention. It read, in part: “Good morning chasing. This is ran deed robbers. I called to…Satire4 min read
Jan 23, 2021The day the Battle of Hickory Hollow turned to chemical warfareIt’s not normal human behavior to mace yourself. But you just don’t understand the extent to which I will go to fuck with Stewart. Stewart Theodore Davis, or as I call him, STD, is wiry thin with frozen turkey skin. His bulbous forehead protrudes from a dome with no chin…Humor7 min read
Jan 18, 2021Voodoo Vibes and the Snaking of StewartThe physical manifestation of Milton’s strength ripples just under the skin on either arm as he pulls a metal file toward his chest. …Humor7 min read
Jan 16, 2021Lazy-Hatin’ Merle and the Neighbor’s ManicureDied-in-the-wool rednecks and Southerners are hard nuts to crack. The explanation lies mostly in that when focused on the cracking you forget the requisite circumstance: They’re nuts. The first words Merle said to me were, “Hey man! You ain’t queer or nothin’ are ya?” I should have known then my…Humor7 min read
Jan 16, 2021The Failed Exorcism of Annoying Neighbors“Your presence is respectfully requested,” read the letter. But Stewart made it abundantly clear there was nothing respectful about it. “If you fail to appear, our next course of action will be to subpoena you, Mr. Patterson, and, well, then you’ll have to appear.” “Got news for you Stewart,” I…11 min read
